Discussing consent with your student
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Wake Forest University is committed to a safe environment for all students. While we have a duty to provide education to students, we recognize that as a parent or caregiver, you are and will continue to be the primary influence in your student’s life.
College is a time for your student to gain new experiences, build new friendships, and make new memories that will last a lifetime. This resource will provide you with tools to help you prepare for an open dialogue with your student about consent. It includes important information on University policies and procedures, the importance of discussing consent, and how consent is affected by substance use.
Why You Need to Have This Conversation
Understanding how to ask for and give consent can empower your student to speak clearly about what they do or do not want from an interaction. Students will likely find dating and relationship choices are new or intensified in college. These issues can become even more complex when alcohol is involved. Relationships are an important component of college and young adulthood, but the issues of communication and choice can be complicated.
Students should be guided to develop skills such as clear communication and speaking up for their safety, as well as supporting the choices of others. By following the suggestions provided here, you can help equip your student for the next steps in decision making. The time you spend will strengthen the lines of communication within your family as you support your student’s time at the University.
Students should be guided to develop skills such as clear communication and speaking up for their safety, as well as supporting the choices of others.
As you plan a conversation with your student about consent, it is important to incorporate two elements: the meaning of consent and how alcohol can affect an individual’s ability to gain or give consent. These conversations help students recognize how they may impact others. Like many universities across the country, the University’s Title IX & Non-Title IX Sexual Misconduct & Grievance Procedures (the “Policy”) applies to students, faculty and staff. For the purpose of this guide, basic definitions and information from the Policy are provided. For full definitions and additional clarification, visit the Policy.
Consent Defined
Consent means permission for something to happen or agreement to do something. For example, a person consents to sexual activity if/when they give permission for the activity to occur or agree to engage in the activity. Consent is unambiguous, informed, active (not passive), voluntary (freely given), mutually understandable words and/or actions that indicate a willingness to participate in the sexual activity.
Whether someone has given consent is based on the totality of the circumstances and is determined by reference to a reasonable person in the same or similar circumstances. Once consent to a sexual act has been given, consent can be withdrawn at any time by communicating words and/or actions to the other person before or during that sexual act. Consent is automatically withdrawn if someone becomes unconscious or falls asleep during a sexual act.
Consent cannot be inferred from silence, passivity, or a lack of resistance. Non-verbal communication alone may or may not be sufficient to constitute consent. Furthermore, consent cannot be inferred from a current or previous dating or sexual relationship (or the existence of such a relationship with anyone else), from someone’s attire, spending money, or consent previously given. In other words, consenting to one sexual act does not imply consent to another sexual act.
- Consent includes verbal and non-verbal communication. What does someone look like when they’re interested? What does someone look like when they are not interested? What do we do when someone rejects advances? How can you tell if a person is “checked out”?
- Withdrawal of consent at any point is okay!
- Healthy relationships feel safe, which means being able to be honest. Practicing consent is also practicing honest communication with other people.
Consent and Alcohol
The overwhelming majority of sexual assaults reported by college students involve alcohol.
When thinking about alcohol and consent, we want students to understand that consent requires communication and alcohol reduces the ability to communicate clearly.
Alcohol can impair one’s ability to judge whether consent has been gained as well as impair the ability to give consent. It can also keep someone from being able to recognize or react to a risky situation.
The use of alcohol or other drugs does not diminish one’s responsibility to obtain consent before sexual activity and does not excuse conduct that violates the Policy.
Students should understand that incapacitated individuals may never consent. Incapacitation is a level beyond intoxication and means that someone cannot understand the sexual nature of the proposed act, cannot understand that they have the right to refuse to participate in the act, or are otherwise unaware that the sexual activity is occurring.
- How do you know when the person you’re engaged with has become incapacitated?
- Do you feel comfortable consuming substances such as alcohol and then engaging in sexual activity? If so, in what setting?
- What are some ways to stay safe when consuming alcohol in a social setting?
The Conversation
As with anything important, taking some time to set the stage and plan the details of this conversation will help it go more smoothly. Think about when and where you and your student can best talk. This is not a conversation to have over the phone, in a crowded public place, or early in the morning. You may want to talk at home or another place where you both can be comfortable having a one-on-one conversation.
With important conversations, sometimes the hardest part can be knowing how to begin. Here are a couple of ideas to help you get started:
“I would like to talk about consent and hear your ideas. I know it might be hard to talk about it, but discussing it is important. Do you have a few minutes to chat?”
“You’ve probably heard about consent from your friends or other people, and I would like to talk about it as well. I feel like it’s one of the most important things we can talk about for your time at college.”
“Think about approaching a conversation about consent as a simple, informal way of ‘checking in’ with someone to make sure everyone is okay with what may happen. And remember, when you’re on the receiving end of someone’s request for your consent, I want you to be empowered to express how you feel about what someone else suggests or wants.”
- Listen to your student. Listening is the most important part of good communication. Be attentive and try not to be critical of your student.
- Ask your student about their views on consent.
- Use a metaphor. Consent is practiced in everyday life! No one thinks it’s okay to take someone’s phone without asking or to pressure them if they say no. Consent applies to everyday life and its application is easily transferable to intimate relationships.
- Give constructive feedback, share the facts and debunk myths.
- Refrain from blanket statements like “Don’t get yourself in a bad situation” or “Don’t drink and have sex.”
- Be wary of using such scare tactics as “If you drink, then…” to influence your student; this approach may discourage your student from listening.
- Collaborate with your student about ways they can articulate their boundaries.
Help your student plan ways to ask for consent. Asking for consent can sound like and look like the following:
Verbal
- Yes!
- I’m sure
- That feels good
- I want this
Non-verbal
- Direct eye contact
- Pulling someone closer
- Nodding
- Relaxed facial expression
If a student has any doubt about consent, they should assume there is no consent and they should check in again. Ask your student how they might respond if they do not have consent or simply don’t know.
Keep the Conversation Going
It is common for conversations about relationships to happen in more than just one sitting and for the conversation to evolve over time. Keeping the communication lines open can let your student know that you are there to discuss their safety and that you’ll continue to support them in making informed choices at college. After all, communicating what they want and don’t want is a normal, natural, and expected part of healthy communication.
It is common for conversations about relationships to happen in more than just one sitting and for the conversation to evolve over time.
If your student experiences interpersonal violence (including sexual misconduct, relationship violence, and/or stalking), please direct them to the Safe Office for further guidance on getting the support they need. There is a 24/7 Helpline at 336.758.5285.